I am fairly content with my life- nervous as balls given that I will be graduating college in less than a year- but content. However, I am beginning to realize that I can be too nice. People will ignore me for weeks or even months but then I am happy oblige when they pop up to ask for a favor. Of course they then disappear again and all they bother to learn about me is my ability to help and fix. And this has created the lovely train wreck my friends appreciate so much *sarcasm* and it gets in the way of becoming close with new people and living the life I want. It makes me painfully introverted. I cannot even tell you how many perfectly funny, quirky, genuine, appropriate facebook statuses or tumblr posts I have cancelled or deleted just because I was too uncomfortable, how many people I haven’t had the guts to introduce myself to. And this sucks.
To every person who has ever mistreated me or abused my skills or decided I wasn’t worth it: I have finally figured out that I am better than you. Even if you get more party invitations or have a fancier house or a higher GPA, the fact remains that you needed me. Not the other way around. And even if you didn’t know it, I was probably still cheering for you and hoping for all of the best even after you left. Because that is what people are supposed to do. I am sure you haven’t, and for that you can take care of yourself from now on.
To those who have stuck by me: Thank you. I cannot thank you enough. No amount of gushy statuses or snacks or favors can repay you. I know I can be hard to keep track of and even harder to deal with. The fact that you recognize my good qualities and care enough to focus on those means the world to me. Honestly, it’s usually the only reason I stick around. I could not be as nice as I am without that positive energy, and I am sorry for being such a handful.
This post is not boastful, passive aggressive, or pleading- just the opposite. It is me recognizing my own worth. It is me opening up for once. I am quiet and awkward, but I am also a good person who deserves basic human respect. However, the golden rule works both ways. From this point onward I am going to do my utmost to make sure that no friendship is one-sided, no crush is taken advantage of, no gesture of friendly concern is unreturned. I will still be my quirky, overly-helpful self. But this is to be reserved for those who deserve it. And I cannot continue ignoring my own needs to help people who wouldn’t do the same for me. Frankly, I don’t want the kind of people who would ask that of me in my life. It feels good to finally give myself some credit, and thank you to those who read all of this. -J